![]() ![]() ![]() It hurts me, it scares me, it consumes me… and then… “Just do it”, I say to myself. Yes, I care very much what Fear says to me. But I now notice it’s there before EVERYTHING, I have determined I’m going to do. True, I can’t always sleep after a post, feeling the heat of embarrassment from exposing my thoughts and heart. Any achievement in life only happens, as a result of ignoring Fear. But It no longer determines whether I am going to do something or not. That they would think that I was trying to be some kind of celebrity or that I am embarrassing the family. Thoughts that friends wouldn’t support me. Even writing this blog has been a result of prayers prayed. ![]() The knowledge that fear is with me at every important event of my life is now a revelation. Praying this way is like looking at the ocean, both scary, and empowering. I have spoken in the spirit, both, to things, and against things, that would keep these adults from realizing their purpose, their help, their hope, and their life. I have walked on college campuses weekly for the last 7 years, while taking classes, watching close to 20,000 people walking around me, praying for them, claiming them for Jesus Christ. I pray to be used of the spirit, not just for myself, but that my children will also be used, that my husband, my family, my youth group and my TPOG church family will be used. I have prayed and still pray, to overcome the wall of shyness, and to be able to minister to people around me. Year’s and year’s worth of prayers, wherein the answer still lies in mystery. “But there I find you in the mystery in oceans deep my faith will stand.” The reason these words move me so greatly is because of the many prayers I have prayed. Because once we realize that a particular action taken, did or did not work, we just got smarter! Note to self *did/did not work*. One may wonder, what if the action taken is a failure? My answer to that is, action taken cannot be a failure. Fear + Action = Victory, Fear + No Action Taken = Defeat. These two feelings apparently are friends! You don’t find one of them, without the other standing close by. If all else fails find a plank of wood! So, gazing into the ocean, leaves me feeling both fear and victory. I have even mastered my horrified fear of dark night water, by taking cruises, and staring at that turgid water of churning blackness, by saying to myself, if we go down it’s fine. A large wave coming that could knock me down and pull me out to sea. Yet as I walk into it, and for the entire duration of time that I remain in the ocean, I am doing a 2 eyed, 360 degree, circular swim, looking for: 1. There is nothing more beautiful to me than to look at the ocean from the sand. As I gaze upon one of the most beautiful, dynamic, mentally and physically relaxing places on earth, I feel both a great fear as well as self-esteem for all the times that I have made myself venture out into it. The ocean has always been such an incredible place of reflection for me. It is the companion we wish would just leave already! We hate it, but it stays the course, not acknowledging us, nor deviating from it’s purpose. Most of the time I’m trying to do what God wants me to, the possibility of failing is ever present like its my co-joined twin. The words, “You call me out upon the water, the great unknown, where feet may fail.” Yeah, that speaks to me. One of my favorite songs is Oceans, by Hillsong. Music often puts into words, feelings, which we know to be true, and expresses it in a way that brings new meaning to us. ![]()
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